


Buried

by nozomomm



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Married- AU, Oh wow, Postpartum Depression, Resolution, mental health, warning this is a little intense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 17:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13322991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nozomomm/pseuds/nozomomm
Summary: This is pretty much the outcome of a strange thought I had and three hours of spare time. Mari slipped into some intense postpartum depression. Another reason I wanted to write this story is because I feel like this illness goes unspoken a lot, it's terrible and I want to inform the readers of this story just a bit about it. I did all the research, so really keep in mind everything here. 1 in 7 women get some form of postpartum depression, and here is just one of their stories...





	Buried

 

Mari was never ready to be a mother. Kanan, however, was gleaming with joy just at the thought of parenthood. The two were married at the time and they were happy too, but something just wasn’t right for Mari. She had a bad feeling that she just couldn’t shake. This feeling made Mari think there was a distance growing between her and Kanan, which hurt just thinking about. Mari’s immediate thought was that the “distance” was because of her stubbornness about having a child. Sure she hoped for some more time, but she knew this is what Kanan wanted and what would make her happy, hopefully closing the gap between them. As soon as she saw the look on Kanan’s face when she told her this decision, Mari could almost guarantee she made the right choice. 

 

9 months later, Kaito Matsuura was born. Physically, pregnancy and birth went phenomenally well and it was time for them to take the newest member of their family home. Over the course of the pregnancy, Kanan did notice Mari drifting off and acting strange, but she figured it was just pre-parental nerves that she herself was experiencing. 

 

\--

 

“Such pretty eyes, they look just like yours”, Mari spoke softly from the passenger seat of their car, with the small baby boy cradled in her arms.

 

Kanan smiled lightly while concentrating on the road.

 

“He has your hair though, guess blue isn’t that much of a dominant trait,” Kanan said, mustering a giggle from the blonde.

 

A comfortable silence rose, giving Mari time to focus on the small baby staring back at her. 

 

_ “This is him, my next 18 years. He needs all of my love. I can do this, I’ll be everything him and Kanan need me to be.” _

 

\--

 

“Mari?! Do you know where we put the extra diapers?”, Mari heard Kanan yell from the nursery.

 

She put down her cooking utensils, took a pot off the burner, and quickly slid off her mitts. Halfway down the hall, she heard Kaito’s oh-so familiar cry. 

 

This has been their last two weeks, jumping to every cry, dropping everything for every one of their baby’s needs. They both felt like they could pass out from exhaustion, but at least they had each other. But even that wasn’t cutting it lately, since Kanan has started working back at the shop. This certainly wasn’t Kanan’s choice, but Mari insisted that she could take of him on her own. Mari knew how much the shop meant to Kanan and didn’t want to hold her back from that either. 

 

“Here they are~”, Mari spoke using her fluent English, handing the pack to the woman hunched over the crib.

 

“Ah, thanks honey”, Kanan shone an irreplaceable smile back at Mari. 

 

Mari approached her, gliding a hand across her back. She watched the two-week old slowly start to calm down after being re-dressed. Suddenly, he started wailing once more, provoking a sigh from Kanan.

 

“Oh I’ll take care of him, if you wanna finish dinner?”, Mari looked up at her stressed partner.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes!~ He probably just wants some milk.”

 

“Okie dokie then, call me if you need me”, Kaman left a kiss on Mari’s forehead before heading back to the kitchen.

 

The energy in the room changed drastically as soon as Kanan left. Trying to ignore it, Mari directed her attention back to Kaito, who was still helplessly crying. She picked him up and plotted herself down in the nearby rocking chair, stripping herself of her shirt. She was still new to breastfeeding, but it was already something she didn't look forward to. She didn't understand how other mothers actually  enjoy this and how they are able to feel a “natural bond”. Staring down at the child pressed against her chest, she felt the need to look away. This is the first time she is doing this alone, Kanan was always by her side for this. A lump started growing in her throat, which confused Mari. Why was she getting emotional? All of a sudden, she felt water build up and release in the corners of her eyes. Guilt in the pit of her stomach. Her heart started racing, as this never happened before. 

 

_ “Come on Mari, get a hold of yourself. Just concentrate on the baby.” _

 

Mari focused on those words but nevertheless, her emotions took control and negative thoughts flooded her brain. She was always bad at controlling her emotions, but she never thought it could get this bad. She was shaking now and could feel her nerves tingling. Frustrated at herself, she gritted her teeth and forced herself to stare at the boy attached to her breast. 

 

“I love you.”

 

She spoke softly, but those words came with a lot of power. Mari instantly felt her stomach sink and her tears only get heavier. She meant those words, she had to. Regret, guilt, and dissatisfaction seemed as if they were eating her alive. Her body began to tingle and it suddenly became hard to breathe. _Panic attack?_ _Is that what this is?_ She hasn’t had one of those since high school. Barely able to walk, she had to put Kaito back in the crib. Once he was safe, she practiced heavy breathing and clearing her mind. 

 

The sound of Kanan’s footsteps made her heart stop. She couldn’t see her like this.

 

“Mari? I thought I heard-”

 

“ _ Everything’s okay! _ ”, she softly said, inflicting her English.

 

“Mari..?”, Kanan started to approach her.

 

In response, the blonde rose her left hand to stop Kanan from coming any closer. This took Kanan aback, Mari usually wasn’t the one to hide herself like this.

 

“I just need a moment.”

 

Mari exited the room quickly. Whatever was wrong, Kanan hoped Mari was being honest about just needing a moment. She walked over to crib and picked up their son, who was wide awake. Holding him tight, she felt reassured through him. 

 

A few days pass, and Kanan senses a distance building. Whether it’s with her and Mari or Mari with baby, she could not tell. However, just by knowing and observing the girl for all these years, she knows there is something wrong. So of course, from not only being her spouse, but also her best friend, Kanan sat Mari down to talk about it.

 

“I know something is up, Mari.”

 

“What are you talking about Kanan? I’m fine.”

 

Just Mari’s tone of voice made Kanan’s heart sting. 

 

“Please don’t lie to me Mari,” Kanan grabbed Mari’s hands tightly, “You know you can tell me anything.”

 

“Seriously, nothing is wrong.”

 

Mari said what she wanted to say. She said what she wanted to believe, what she engraved in her mind to think. Deep down, she knew those recurring thoughts of not feeding her child for a day or two weren’t making her okay. She knew the anxiety that she just couldn’t seem to shake for the past week wasn’t good for her. The constant fatigue, loss of appetite, and wild mood swings were way past baby blues. But was she going to let herself believe that? No. Was she going to tell Kanan that, after all she went through for this child? No way. To Mari, that was the symbol of ultimate hopelessness. She just needs to keep her head on her shoulders, and maybe all of this will go away. But as the days go on, these thoughts don’t disappear. Her panic attacks don’t calm down. Her emotions are always like rollercoaster, and as soon as she steps into that nursery, she takes a fall. Holding the baby, feeding him, even just looking at him has become a challenge. 

On the days she felt good, she would be able to spend hours in the nursery, taking care of Kaito like a proper mother should. But the next morning, she’d be struggling to hold in her tears until Kanan left, then let everything out as soon as she walked out the door. She’d spend hours crying, telling herself she’s a terrible parent while just listening to her child’s cries. She isn’t able to bring herself into the baby’s room. Out of fear of what she’d do, guilt about what she did, and anger about what she’s doing. The only thing that eventually drives her is when Kanan is about to come home, and there isn’t an explanation for why she hasn’t tended to her crying baby for 8 hours. 

 

When she does get driven by this, it was scary. She didn’t know what she’d do when she steps foot in that room. The emotions that rushed through her body always feel impossible to control, every step she takes is like a war in her mind. She would shake just holding the baby, but after some deep breaths and replacing the bad thoughts with pleasant thoughts, she’s able to get a hold of herself and her son. 

 

But one day she couldn’t. 

 

Kanan was going to walk through the door like any other day, expecting the usual from what she has walked into for about a month now. Her wonderful wife either tending to their child or relaxing on the sofa, maybe perhaps even making dinner. She was always greeted with a kiss and Mari would always ask her about her day, truly interested too. But today was different, Kanan felt strange walking from her car to her house, but put her bet on nausea or something like that. However, opening the door to hear both Mari’s and Kaito’s cries made her feel a whole lot sicker.

 

“Mari!!!?? Where are you?!” 

 

She dropped her bag and ran towards where the scream-crying was coming from. In the kitchen laid a sight that Kanan will forever try so hard to forget. Mari was seated on the floor, knees tucked in close to her, and her hands gripped around her head. Their young baby was on the floor next to her, and spilled milked was sprawled next to them, coming from a fallen over bottle. 

 

Kanan instinctively rushed to Mari’s side, wrapping her arms around immediately. She whispered any comforting words she could conjure into her ear while helping her up. She felt Mari shaking, causing her heart to twist in ways she never felt before. Mari was also sobbing into her shoulder harder than she ever has; Kanan couldn’t even imagine what was possibly going through her head. 

 

“I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry..”, Mari repeated for minutes straight.

 

“No, no, no it’s okay, everything’s okay. You’re safe, I’m here now..”, Kanan interrupted Mari’s pleading, just unable to hear anymore.

 

“Breathe for me, Mari, slow and deep..”

 

Mari listened, quickly dialing down the rate of her tears. 

 

“Can you…”, Mari glanced down at the crying child, still on the ground. 

 

Kanan immediately nodded and slipped out of her arms. Mari watched as Kanan scooped up the child and prepared a new bottle for him, rocking him slowly. 

 

“Did you.. drop him?”, Kanan tried to ask as less negatively as possible.

 

“N-No.. I just knocked over the bottle and s-started crying. I couldn’t hold him any longer so I just put him down next to me…”

 

Kanan nodded sincerely at her, trying to be as fast as possible with him so she could put her attention back onto Mari. Finally, she quieted him and put him back in his crib. She practically ran back out to talk to Mari. As soon as Kanan came back out, Mari was already ready.

 

“I know you’re probably really confused and worried but I really did just get overwhelmed and just cried a bit. I know I should’ve called you or something but please don’t make a big deal out of it...”

 

Kanan took some breaths of her own before speaking, “Mari.. I’ve never seen you cry like that. This isn’t something small to me, I don’t think it’s possible for me to take this as a small thing. You know how much I care about you, you know how much I’d do anything for our family. So that’s why I can’t just shrug this off my shoulders.”

 

“If you cared about me, you would listen to me! It’s best if you just forget, please try.”

 

“Why were you so overwhelmed? Why were you shaking in my arms?”

 

Mari’s eyes glistened up towards hers, showing pain and emptiness. Kanan wanted to stop arguing with her, she knew with every word she said was cutting Mari a whole lot deeper. 

 

“I don’t know, Kanan. I don’t know.”

 

“Is it going to happen again?”

 

Kanan watched a sad smile form from Mari’s lips.

 

Shrugging her shoulders, Mari said softly, “I don’t know.”

 

Mari sensed Kanan getting angry at her, but Mari didn’t know what else to say to her. If Mari was going to be honest, she’d have to tell Kanan that she doesn’t feel love towards their child. She can’t do that. No one can do that. She’d have to tell her the guilt was slowly eating her alive, along with the strong emotion of hopelessness coming back for seconds. Oh and she couldn’t forget to mention that some days she feels like she never wants to touch that baby again. What is the root of this? Mari has no idea. How she can fix this? Yet another question that Mari just doesn’t know the answer to. 

 

Kanan looked at her with eyes that speak a verses. She’s hurt. Mari shined those eyes right back at her. 

 

“Do you.. Want me to schedule an appointment with someone?”

 

Mari just stared at Kanan, not realizing what she was saying at first. Her eyes widened and Kanan got hit with regret. 

 

“Are you saying I should get professional help?”

 

Kanan remained silent, although her answer was very clear.

 

“I told you to forget about this. It’s nothing. I’ll get over it”, she walked out of the room.

 

Mari got under the covers of their bed, desperate to fall asleep. She was  _ so  _ tired, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t fall asleep. Her thoughts were too much for her right now, her emotions were raging like they never were before. She was crying again, which felt so common to her now. After all, it was the only thing she did in her free time. Her mind was playing out those terrifying scenarios again, those what if’s. She was scared. Kanan was right, she needs help. But she can’t do that. What if her baby gets taken away? What if Kanan doesn’t love her then? After all Kanan has done to build up this relationship, their family, she just can’t blow it on a thing like this. She wants to believe she can do this alone, but rather she just feels trapped. It’s only going to get worse, she tells herself. She fell into this hole and is getting buried alive. Her mind is the shovel and this is her dirt-

  
  


_ “I don’t love my child, he deserves better than a useless mother like me.” _

 

_ “Something terrible is going to happen, and I’m the cause of it.” _

 

_ “I’m going to hurt my child if I’m alone with it.” _

 

_ “I wonder if he knows how pathetic I am.” _

 

_ “I should have never had this child.” _

 

_ “I’ll never be the same again.” _

  
  


\--

 

A week later and Mari has barely left her room. After a few more arguments, Mari allowed Kanan take off from work. This let Kanan to hear all of the times Mari cries in a day. She tried being there for her, rubbing her back or giving her hugs when she needs them, she tried everything. But Mari usually pushed her away. She barely ate, Kanan has to practically force her to eat something and to get up and walk around. Kanan has picked up on some things, like how Mari will avoid the nursery and the kitchen. She hasn’t held the baby since the day of the spilled milk accident. Kanan has also noticed that Mari doesn’t sleep. Kanan almost always wakes up to her crying, it’s been happening so often that sometimes, Kanan just goes back to sleep. It’s gotten to the point where their relationship is falling apart. Kanan has found herself crying too sometimes, the stress of dealing with the baby, Mari, their relationship, and now even their finances with all the time she is taking off. After spending those sleepless nights with Mari, she’s done a lot of thinking. Now it’s finally time for her to take some actions.

 

“Mari. Please understand that I love you. I love you so much, and that’s why this needs to be done. I can’t see you like this anymore. We’re going to get you some help.”

 

“K-Kanan.. Please don’t do that to me.. I don’t want the help.”, Mari spoke through her tears.

 

“Look at yourself Mari! You haven’t slept in however long, you lost so much weight, all you do is cry. Can’t you see, something is wrong!”

 

“I-I know something’s wrong! But do you think I want to admit that? Do you think it’s easy for me to stand here and tell you what I’ve been feeling? I’m going insane.. And I don’t think you can understand why.. I can’t even.”

 

“I don’t care if I don’t understand. I just want to help you, Mari, I’ll do anything.”

 

Mari began to nod and sob harder. She told herself she wouldn’t do this a thousand times; she promised herself the last thing she’d do was tell Kanan. But she’s about to do it. Nothing else is working, that’s the logic she’s going on.

 

“You’ll always love me right, no matter what you’ll never leave me right?”

 

“I’ll always be by your side, I vowed it, didn’t I?”

Mari almost smiled, remembering bits and pieces of Kanan’s wedding vows. She nodded again, emotionally taking in everything Kanan was saying. She sprung to her body quickly, being locked in the oh-so familiar embrace of Kanan’s arms. 

 

“I’ve felt it ever since we took him home. A disconnection. I only see him as a nuisance. I don’t know what’s wrong with me Kanan, I’m a terrible mother. I have these thoughts, terrible thoughts, that normal mothers don’t have. I-I feel guilty… and hopeless.. “

 

There was a long pause afterwards, Mari was getting worried but really Kanan was just searching for the right words.

 

“I want you to be happy Mari, I don’t want you to feel these things any longer. Those thoughts.. They can be fixed! Please, trust me on this.”

 

“If I tell anyone these thoughts.. We’ll get him taken away for sure..”

 

“Do you think I’d ever let that happen?”

 

Mari knew Kanan was right, she’d never give up something without a fight. After thinking it over in clogged head, she managed to forge a clear answer. One that’ll change her life forever,

 

“Okay.”

 

Mari pulled away to look into Kanan’s eyes again. This time, both of their eyes showed a slight sign of relief. That was enough to keep both of them going, for now at least. 

 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Kanan.”

 

Kanan cupped Mari’s tear-stained cheeks and kissed her softly. Not lustfully, not passionately, but just enough to get her love across to her. Mari kissed her back, letting more tears roll from her eyes onto Kanan’s hands. When they pulled away, Kanan’s tears became visible to Mari as well.

 

Audibly swallowing the lump in her throat, Kanan spoke, “I love you, Mari.”

 

“I love you too, Kanan”, Mari gave her lips another quick kiss.

 

\--

 

Postpartum depression.

 

A two word name for something that controlled Mari’s life for the past month. Once her nice therapist let out those words, a wave of relief hit Mari. She wasn’t insane and she wasn’t alone. Apparently, it’s a very common illness that in fact 1 out of 7 women get. Yet she has never heard of it before. Her therapist rationalized all of her feelings to her and helped her understand what happened and why. Suddenly, sitting in that small room with Kanan next to her, she wasn’t feeling afraid. Fear was something that constantly clung to her throughout her entire experience, but for this brief moment, where she was certain that she will get better, that fear diminished. She was prescribed some medicine and scheduled for weekly therapy. 

 

She left that office with her fingers interlocked with her beloved wife’s.

 

“You know I couldn’t have done this without you.”

 

“I know. But in the end, ultimately, you were the one that did this. You got past this Mari. You did it.”

 

She shined a bright smile, with nothing but a brighter future ahead of her. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for reading, means the world to me! Also yeah I know this is rushed, but aye it got my thought satisfied. If you know someone with any signs of postpartum, encourage them to get help immediately.


End file.
